Dear Lord What Happened.

It's been way over a month since I have posted a blog, and I feel a little guilty about that. I used to post them twice a day, and then... nothing.

Lately, I've been disappointing all those around me. My land lady, my mother, my boyfriend, myself. I've done things that I thought I would never do, or I promised to others I would never do. I've consumed mass amounts of alcohol. I've smoked a shit load of weed. I've had various men come over to my house just so I could get some company.

I was hoping my relationship with my mom would steadily improve, hopefully to the point where she would have no reason to be concerned about me, but just the opposite has happened. Now more than ever she has all the reason in the world to worry about me.

Why did I let this happen to me? I was starting over. I was improving myself, my life, and my situation. How did I get into this mess I am in? Why aren't I able to control my urges? Why do I so easily give into temptation?

Regret.

Yeah, sure. I had happy memories during high school. I had a handful. I could probably count them on two hands. Then I had some that were neither happy or sad, just memorable. Then, the majority, the unhappy ones. Those that were full of regret and remorse. Those which I desperately wish I could take back. Forget about. Throw away. Get scissors and chop that shit out of my life. I mean, why the hell did I even act the way I did? Why was I a selfish prick? Why did I choose to hurt all the people I did? I gave the immediate impression that I cared about them, when in my heart, my true intentions were to strip them of their dignity, and create enemies. Why did I choose to live that way? It's hard to recreate a first impression. It's impossible, as a matter of fact. It's far too late for atonement now. It's far too late to apologize and mend the pain. So what can I do about this uneasiness on my heart? What can I do to get the burden of regret out of my soul?

It's Been A While.

1. Recently, I got kicked out of the big yellow house I was staying at. This came about somewhat expectedly. I anticipated it, as much as I hate to admit. My bad choices led to this consequence that has essentially left me homeless. I got caught smoking pot, and I got caught up in a series of gargantuant, elaborate lies that hurt a lot of people that I loved dearly. I lost Toby, I lost Mary, I lost the love I once had with my mother. I lost a lot of friends. But this is what I get for creating my own reality. This is what I get for thinking that I am invincible and immune to consequences. I took advantage of the hospitality I was receiving from these wonderful people, and I puked it in their faces.

2. On the 13th of June, I will be making my big move to Everett, WA. I found a room that I can rent, only $450 per month (plus 1/4 of the household bills). It's roomy, it has a nice bathroom, and it is located in Everett's downtown area. Not to mention it is only 20 minutes away from my dearest Riley

3. And that's all I have to say about that.

Drifting, Falling. Floating Weightless.

Why?
I put you through so much shit. I hated you. I pushed you away. I made you miserable. I was miserable. I treated you horribly. I was a crazy, psychotic bitch. I disregarded and invalidated your emotions. I said I didn't love you. But still, you were loyal to me. You were faithful. You didn't give up.
Why?

Invincible.

I have come to the point where I think I am immune to unhappiness. I've had that belief for a while. But what snaps me back to reality is that when something bad happens, my initial reaction is to be sad. I would like to believe that I have control over how I react to situations, and that my emotions are my own. I would like to believe that I can choose what my mood will be, but I have seen that this doesn't usually happen anymore. Why is that? I used to be so strong. But now I can't even make myself feel better. Damn.

Random Poetry. I Don't Know If It's Good or Not. Opinions Needed.

Bathroom

He took his knife from on his belt and thought,
"My life is really not too good at all."
He thought of all the things that he was taught
His life was pointless, all he had would fall.
And in the bed, he kissed his wife goodbye
With knife in hand, he ventured to the lou
While sitting on the floor, he let a sigh
And cut his wrist, his breaths became but few.
But now he thought, "I do not want to die!"
His cries for help were silenced by the door
He thrashed around and then began to cry
Too late, his heart, it was to beat no more.
His body lie in pools of his own life.
At last, for now, he ended his own strife.

Jigsaw

A beautiful image,
Everything fitting so nicely.
A small hole in the middle,
Where a piece is meant to fit.
Searching.
Looking for this small, significant piece
And found in the most unexpected of places.
Just before it slides into place,
The table moves (something of my own fault)
And the jigsaw,
Nearly completed,
Clatters to the floor.
Now, to begin all over.
Searching.

I Love This Man

Watching him rest,
I stand over the bed.
His peaceful expression,
His soft, cold lips.
Never have I felt such love.
Nor will I ever.
With a brief smile,
I pull the sheets up
Over my mistake I do not regret.
The white sheets turn red,
His body turns pale.

Fulfilled

The night so lonely calls to me
And brings me gently out to sea
It says to me, "You come with haste,"
And water, now, is all I taste.

Woman, So Beautiful.

Her beauty filled my every thought
To make her mine, I would think not
I told her "come," her love I sought
I watched her pick the roses.

I asked her daily, "come to me,"
I stood and watched, so I could see
Her beauty grew, it made me weak
But still she picked the roses.

At last, I tried to call her name
Her stunning beauty was to blame
My mouth was open, no words came
She sat and picked the roses.

Then I leaned down to kiss her head
She turned to look, and to my dread
She stabbed my throat, and I was dead
She stayed and picked the roses.

Innocence

"Daddy, what happened?" the little girl cried
As daddy looked into her deep, green eyes
He said, "mommy's dead," and tried not to smile
Trickling blood had dripped on the tiles
In his hand held the knife that committed this deed
This horrible sight, this act of greed
"Go away!" daddy shouted, and shoved her away
He scrubbed at his hands, but the stains still stayed
He heard the girl sob, and ignored all the noise
As he pulled on her body, he shoved away toys
With axe in his hand, he finished the job
And inside the house, the little girl sobbed

A Poem. Figure It Out.

A Louder Silence

The moon is out
The streets are bare
And all is still, without a care

The sky, unlit
The moon is out
But still, the night, it cries and shouts

Quiet night, without a sound
But in my head, and aching pound

A blackened sky
The stars above
A silence sits, but not for long-
An aching pain, and it grows strong

Alone I sit
But free to roam
But in my head, where I call "home"
Unsettling thoughts, they eb and flow
And all this silence seems to go

A gentle breeze, the sighing trees
But in the darkness, no one sees
All the chaos that may ensue
Inside my brain, these thoughts are true

The creatures rest
The sun's asleep
But still, these thoughts, they are so deep

Alone, I try, to fall asleep
But in my brain, a gentle weep

The cooling wind
It soothes my soul
And try, I must, but pain unfolds

Silence exists outside, but here:
Inside, the silence, is a fear.

Holy Water.

The old Me has died. I have been replenished, renewed. My soul has been given to a better cause than drugs and self-hatred. I have found peace within myself. And all of this has happened because of the powerful force of God.

"Would you like to meet Jesus?" asked Duke, a tall, gentle man with a wicked beard. All eyes were on me, as I sat in the "hot chair," anticipating. Waiting. Hoping. This was one of the last questions I expected to ever hear in my life. I have always been apprehensive when it came to religion, and in particular, Christianity. I could hear the echoes of my mothers voice, It's corrupt! It's a hoax! They're all ignorant. And don't even get me started on the Bible! Maybe my mother was right. Or perhaps her mental instability had gotten the worst of her.

I decided to give it a try. I had never doubted the fact that Jesus ever existed, I just had doubts that he was a Holy man. "Yes." Duke's face lit up, as he knelt beside me and put his hands around my head. "Repeat after me," he whispered. For the life of me I cannot remember what it was exactly he said to me, but I repeated every word of it. And, for some reason I am still not fully able to explain, my body began to shake. My legs twitched, my body shivered, my arms shook. More people put their hands on me, on my back, on my shoulders. Their touch made me shake even more. A deep, sinking, tight feeling appeared in my chest, over my heart. One by one, they all prayed from deep within their souls, their love coming through to me. A strong, intense rush of euphoria swept over my body.

They bowed their heads and closed their eyes, pushing harder onto my body; the shaking became uncontrollable. "Deeper, Lord. Deeper," I heard Duke say. Mary began to speak in tongues, and everyone else whispered prayers softly, barely audible. Out of nowhere, I began to feel very sad. Oh, God. I was so sad. I was filled with so much sadness, so much melancholy. My chest was tight, my eyes started to water, my nose was dripping with snot. I was thrown off when Duke let out a loud chuckle, but I understood why when I started sob. I cried, and my body shook harder, harder, harder. Squinting my eyes, tears ran down my cheeks. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop crying. They prayed louder, and I felt sadder and sadder. I had never felt such strong sadness in my entire life. Something divine was touching me. I could feel it.

"Barbs, falling off the spears of the enemy. That's what I saw." Micah told the group of the image that appeared in his head. "That's exactly what I saw!" yelled Duke. He let out a joyful laugh. Everybody nodded in agreement. This was, without a doubt, the work of the Holy Spirit. I stopped crying, but the sadness was still there, getting deeper and deeper. It felt like my soul was falling out of my body. I began to think. I thought of all the horrible things I had done, all the people I had hurt. My drug abuse, my promiscuity, my unfaithfulness, my daughter, my abusive ex boyfriends, my mother. The moment my mother came into my head, Duke called his wife over to put her hand on me. Her soft touch comforted me as she stroked my arm. Duke held my hand, and while my eyes were closed, somebody crawled on the floor and placed a bundle of tissues into my hand.

A scary, powerful hate towards my mother began to rise up in me. I clenched my jaw, grinding my teeth until a piercing pain shot through my face. I felt Mary's soft, cool hand being placed in mine. "I'm gonna pretend to be your mother here for a second, okay?" I nodded, still shaking horribly. "Okay. I know I've fell short when it came to being a parent. I haven't always been there to protect you, I haven't always been there when you needed me. I know I haven't always showed my love to you. But right now, I am asking for your forgiveness. Can you forgive me, Alyssa?" Without hesitation, I said "Yes." A sigh of relief fell over everybody that was touching me. My chest loosened, and I began to cry more. The sadness was still there.

One by one, they lifted their hands off of me. With every hand removed, some sadness was alleviated from my heart. Once they were all off, my whole body became weak. I couldn't speak; I couldn't move. Ecstasy poured over my soul, my brain, my body, my consciousness. I stopped shaking. "This, Alyssa, is the work of the Holy Spirit," said Duke, softly. Ha! I already knew that, but it was still nice to be reassured. "Now... you need to get baptized, young lady."

Oh.

About that. I never publicly proclaimed that I would be a Christian. I only accepted Jesus into my heart. I wasn't committing my life to a religion I knew nothing about! But wait a second. It doesn't have to be religious. It can be symbolic. Yeah! That's what it would be for me. A sign that the old Me is dying, and I am being reborn as a "new creation," as Duke called it.

The following day, at 4:00 in the afternoon, all 13 of us drove out to Irene Rhinehart park to dunk me in water. A flurry of snow filled the hair. The wind was howling. The water was the same temperature as ice. But I was certain; I was determined. I would be baptized today. It was probably the shortest baptism in the history of the world, but it was still meaningful to me and everyone else that attended. Mary and I stood at the shore of the water, both wearing shorts and water sandals. She told everyone what we were there for, and we proceeded to descend into the water. Every step I took prompted me to let out a yelp and a scream. I feared that my legs would turn into popsicles.

Mary stood perpendicular to me, holding my hand, and asked me if I was ready. Before I could reply, I was leaned backwards quickly, my head submerged under the stinging, cold water. As I emerged, I let out a gasp. Out of startle, out of speechlessness. Panting, Mary and I rushed back to the shore as fast as the water would let us. When I stepped foot on the sand, Toby was prepared with a blanket. He draped it over my shoulders, and I dried my hair off with a towel. Toby leaned close to me, and whispered in my ear, "I am so proud of you." At that moment, I forgave myself. I'm uncertain what prompted me to do so, but an enormous burden was lifted off of my heart. I couldn't stop smiling. All the horrible things I had ever done had perished from my soul. I was a new person.

As I sat in the car, I thought of the people that had influenced my decision to accept God into my life. Duke, Mary, Toby... all of them. All these people did was give their love to me. Their compassion. Their trust in Jesus. Thank you, God. Thank you.

This Came to Me at Church.

God.
Please give me the strength to persevere in the face of adversity. Give me the ability to forgive myself. Give me love, give me hope. Give me the strength to move forward. Make me spiritually receptive. Help me be more attuned to the voice of God. Help me restore my emotions, my trust, and my love back to its original state. Help me be victorious in whatever hardship is thrown at me. Help me open my heart to happiness. Help me be tenacious and persistent. Help expose me to the truth in this life. Help me have better, stronger relationships with those I love, and those I want to love more. Help me, please, detach myself from all the pain and hurt and suffering in my life. All the pain and horror I have caused in others; may it be relieved. Help to make things right again. Help bring joy into my life. Help me open to love. Please, Lord, help me gain back trust. Help others trust me again. Help them see that I am changing; I can be trustworthy. I need their help; I need your help. Help me recover; I am sick. Help me improve my life. Help me to help myself. Free me from this chaos. Help relieve this heavy burden in my heart. I need your love; I need your security. Help me be powerful. Help me conquer all of my fears. Help rid me of my sorrow and my unnecessary habits. Help me feel what it means to be human again. Enlighten me. Bring me knowledge. Help me sort out my thoughts and my emotions. Help me feel real again. Help me see the way to live and feel. Help me see if this is the way things were meant to be. Relieve my anxiety. Help me sort things out. Help me organize my life. Let me submit myself to you. Eliminate my thoughts of doubt. Help to liberate my spirit and my soul. Help me to be grateful for who I am. Help me to forget about the past. Move on. Help me to be loyal to myself. Help me to be alive.

America Knows Best.

The United States of America has existed for less than 300 years. Compared to other countries around the globe, i.e. the UK, Scotland, Russia, China, etc., America is a fucking baby. We don't have the extensive history that many other countries over seas do, when it comes to war, foreign relations, war, and stuff like that. Yet, America seems to think that we know best when it comes to all that stuff. We shove our face in other people's businesses and expect our solution to have the best outcome, and that our method is the most effective. Why should we know best?

Somber.

Life seems to be so melancholy lately. People seem to think that optimism and positive thinking is juvenile and naive. That making an effort to be happy and push away the negativity in this world makes you childish. This makes me wonder if being happy is even worth it anymore. The last thing I would ever want was to be considered naive. I've always taken pride in my maturity.
The truth is, I see the negative things in this world. I acknowledge them. I ponder about them. But I try my hardest not to let them overwhelm me. I push them in the back of my head. Being optimistic gives me the ability to get to tomorrow. It gives me motivation. Without positive thoughts, I would be drowning in misery and have nothing to look forward to, or even live for. But the more time I spend around nay-sayers, the more influence it has on me. It's unavoidable. It's tough to be strong and change the way you think.

Aspirations. (It's cold. And I'm not wearing any pants.)

1. I think it's time to put my ADHD and my over-abundant creativity to good use. I think I want to be famous. But not INFAMOUS. I want to be a singer/songwriter/performer. And, I don't think there's anything that can stop me. I have ambition. I have charisma. I have a genuine love of pleasing people and making them come back for more. I am constantly inspired by music, of any genre. And, I don't want to be stereotyped. It sounds corny, but I do want to inspire others. I want to be able to be myself, but at the same time not care what people think about me. And, I want to travel the world. :)

2. I don't want to fall in love. I hate boys. I hate girls. I know I sound contradictory. But let me explain. I hate people, I really do. But I still want to please them, and make them happy. It seems like a very selfish thing to say, and you would be right in assuming so. I don't like people. I just want to make them happy so it's easier to associate with them. So, therefore, I don't want to fall in love. In fact, I think it's impossible for me to do so. Fuck buddies actually don't seem like that bad of an idea. No commitment required. No broken hearts. A lot of emotions saved. STDs, maybe. But there are worse things that could happen. ANYWAYS. I feel more comfortable being alone anyways. People seem to be an inconvenience to me anyway. I may be depressed when I'm alone, but at least I have the freedom to be myself. Why do I hate people? Probably for the same reason I hate myself. They are unpredictable, retarded, not very useful, and have many moods.

3.I want to do something bad. I want to be mischievous. Not harmful to others, but something that lets people know that you don't fuck with me. Something.. badass.

All I Ever Wanted Was a Normal Life.

I lost my jump drive that has my senior project PowerPoint on it. This pretty much means that I am screwed. I honestly have no idea where it is, unless it's at my old house, which means I have NO chance whatsoever of getting it back. I'll just try to explain it to Mrs. Rowden, but if she doesn't understand, because I have lost my jump drive many times before, that means I'm going to have to start from the beginning and repeat it all again. BUT. I also have all my other final copies of stuff that needs to be put in my senior portfolio. GAH! Maybe some praying will be good.

I feel like I'm the only one capable of having an intellectual conversation at my school. I've felt like this for a while, but it recently has become more obvious as I spend more and more time around dumb people. The things that seem to matter the most to them are: 1. Boys. 2. Drama. 3. Being fat and complaining about it. 4. Drama.
Wow. What a hellacious life they must have. If those were the only thoughts in my head, I would slit my fucking wrists. Without hesitation.

All I ever wanted, was to see you smilin, all I ever wanted, was to make you mine, I know that I love you, oh baby why don't you see, that all I ever wanted, was you and meeeeeeeeee....
Damn mutha fucka. I love techno.

It's Time.

It's time for me to see the beauty in this world. Time to open up my heart and let the good in, and shut out as much bad as I possibly can. It's time to take the initiative to be the happy person I've always wanted to be. Recognize the bad, do everything possible to change it, and be as happy as possible. And, in the meantime, fuck around a little bit. Enjoy life. Don't dwell on the petty things that aren't even worth your attention.
These may seem like common knowledge, but you'd be surprised at how few people (especially at my age) have come to realize these things, and how big of an impact they can make. Just a few small changes now can make a huge difference for the better in the long term. I don't know why I've been ignorant for so long, thinking that I'd be stuck in a negative mindset for life, like it was my "destiny," I was doomed to be a nay-sayer for eternity. How fucking wrong I was! Nobody deserves to live their life gloomy! Nobody deserves to be unhappy their whole life! Why didn't I realize this until now!? God, I was so naive. I'm glad things are FINALLY looking up. Getting better. NOW. I can learn to be myself. I have found myself, but I just need to learn to accept myself now. :)

Steve Miller.

Well.
Things have gotten tough. Really tough. And I thought it would be the best decision for me to not live at my house anymore. Remove myself from the oppression and repression of my former home. Now I'm bunking down with the Tollmans, a lovely bunch of people. Hard core Christians, but nonetheless wonderful people.
When I went back yesterday to get my clothes, my mother looked miserable. I had never seen her so miserable before. I almost felt sorry for her, but then I realized that she might deserve to feel that miserable. Maybe it's justice. I don't know. But I'm still entitled to feel guilt for the situation.
Today is a new day. And things must get worse before they get better. So I am anticipating misery these next few weeks as things get sorted out. But I also anticipate far more fabulous results when everything is said and done. As Steve Miller once said, "You've got to go through hell before you get to heaven."

Lullaby Of Lost Love.

This is my farewell.
To something great, to something profound, to something wonderful, to something unforgettable.
Something I searched for, longed for, needed.
It would have been forever.
But now, reluctantly, I am eager to rid myself of it.
Now is the time to be true.
To myself, to you, to what could have been.
Time to forget, time to rid my body of these memories.
They clung to me like rain.
This love,
So deep, so strong, so lasting, so mutual,
Now can no longer be.
Yes, it was love.
Of that I am sure.
What else could make my heart sink,
Make me forget I was human,
Make me cry out in agony,
Make me scream for more.
Bliss.
Like water poured onto my hand,
It fell away.
Oh, how I miss it.
But never will I feel shameful again.
Guilty.
Lustful.
A burden, removed from my heart.
It bears no meaning to me anymore.
Goodbye, by dear,
My lover, my friend.
The best part of my life, gone.

Lucky.

I want that tattoo. SO badly.

Two words: In Love.


This man. Drives me mad. If he weren't so damn popular, I'd marry him. <3

Well... Ahem.

1. I feel like I can't be inspired anymore. I often find that when I am depressed, some of the most intriguing things come into my head. Like, I can only be creative if I want to die. How the hell does that make sense? Is this my body's way of saying that if I'm going to be successful in this world I can't ever be happy? What the fuck. I just can't win, can't I? But I also can't make progress by complaining, either. But happiness is something that every human being is entitled to, whether we want it or not. And believe me, I want it. But I also want to keep my creative abilities.

2. Big butt. No tits. Weird shaped fingers. Slut. Hairy. Fucked up in the head. Misunderstood. Melodramatic. Or so I've been told...

3. I want to amount to something greater than I am. When I see famous people, people that have it made, people that DO things with their live, I am filled to the brim with envy. I want to be better than a shitty, sheltered girl from a hick town in the middle of Washington state. I want to impact the world. And I plan on doing it. But in order to make a difference in this world, a person needs two things: Courage, and lots and lots and lots of money, neither of which I have. Acquiring the courage will be the easier of the two, I think. After I die, I want to be known for something good. I want to make people think. I want to be selfless. I want to show people how unique I am. I want to put aside all my prejudices and see the world as it is. Explore. Discover. Masturbate. (JK). Life is what you make of it. Yes, life hands you shit. You can either smear that shit all over yourself, and wallow in self-pity, or you can show that shit who's boss. Take opportunities as they come, and learn your lessons.

4. And that's all I have to say about that.

A Little Nuisance Called Pride.

PRIDE
(noun)

1.

a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.

2.

the state or feeling of being proud.

3.

a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect; self-esteem.

4.

pleasure or satisfaction taken in something done by or belonging to oneself or believed to reflect credit upon oneself: civic pride.
5.
a song by U2.
6. something that can hinder trust and responsibility in a relationship, especially with a boyfriend.
7.
feeling the need to live up to an image, and not willing to let others spend money on you because of your ego. Your big, fat, juicy ego.
8.
letting success go to your head; letting failure go to your heart.

Songs That Are Amazing But Fell Under the Radar.

1. "Who's Gonna Save My Soul" by Gnarls Barkley
2. "FutureSex/LoveSounds" by Justin Timberlake
3. "Set Phasers to Stun" by Taking Back Sunday
4. "Come On Get Higher" by Matt Nathanson
5. "Undead" by Hollywood Undead
6. "Pardon Me" by Incubus
7. "One Headlight" by The Wallflowers
8. "Streetcorner Symphony" by Rob Thomas
9. "You And I Both" by Jason Mraz
10. "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers

The Absurdities of Life.

Life is often quite absurd.
For example. I thought this American society was beyond racism, but apparently it is still very prolific and rampant, especially in larger cities and in the South. I thought we were mature and responsible, and that this American people was accepting and tolerant. But I was wrong, like I usually am.
Also. It's still not fully socially acceptable to be gay or straight in this world. It's a "disease," a "handicap." Only straight people are going to help this world, right? Heterosexuals have the ability to procreate. Heterosexuals are benefiting this world. They're the only ones that matter, right? Wrong. Religion should not determine which people get to live as second-class citizens. And religion should be eliminated entirely from our judicial system.
My opinion? Life is too short to hate, to discriminate. Hate IS a handicap, a disability. It prevents you from seeing all sides, it prevents you from reaching your full potential as a human being.

On My Mind.

1. Mr. Lambert holds the belief that he is ALWAYS right. And when someone proves him wrong (like I did today), he insults you. He makes it look like you got false information to fuck with his head. Mr. Lambert, just because you are approaching 70, does not mean you are a God. It does not mean you know absolutely everything. People make mistakes, and maybe you should hold yourself accountable for that.

2. I am getting $5,000 in federal student aid for the 2010-2011 school year. That's a shit load of money! I can pay for all my tuition! And, I don't even need to work full time! I'm sooo excited! :)

3. I am dead convinced that the Senior Project at EHS is a conspiracy to make all of the students not graduate. There are a LOT of unreasonable expectations we students have to meet, and it is very time consuming, and to top it all off, POINTLESS CRAP. Thanks, Mrs. Goosman. For fucking with the system.

4. I just realized: The only time I ever smile during the day is when I am away from school. It's not that I'm unhappy at school, (well, it could be) it's just that I don't feel emotionally stimulated at school, or around the people I tend to hang out with. AND! I could technically fail my 4th and 5th period classes, and still graduate. I have MORE than enough credits (22 are needed, I have 26). But in order to be a full-time student, I have to have 5 classes. So I'm taking PE with Mr. Teasley, and Office Aide. Boring-ass shit. But hey, it's school.

LAAAME.

Why is it that I always have lame parties?
Yesterday, I had my annual bonfire. And, as it was last year, it sucked. Or, at least I thought so. It was filled with awkward moments and immature people. And someone, that I didn't invite, showed up, and brought several other people that I didn't even know.
I'm not saying it was a disaster, but it could have been better. I do think, however, it got more enjoyable as the night went on.
Luckily, I won't be in Ellensburg next year to host the bonfire. So no more lameness for me. :)
OH! We also set a chair on fire. And some dumbasses decided to stand on it and sit on it while it was on fire. :/

Hmmm.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about Communism lately, and I've always wondered what makes people think it is such a bad thing. The concept seems practical and useful. It doesn't seem oppressive to me at all. It makes sense, everyone is equal, nobody is starving or poor, and everyone has a job. What's the down side to that? AND! Everyone helps everyone else out. What's the big deal? You're still a free human being. And I've also noticed that anarchy bears a similar resemblance to Communism. They're on opposite ends of the political spectrum, but I think the continuum ends up becoming a paradox. It's not a line, but a circle. Hmmm indeed.

Apathy And Sorrow.

I can't seem to focus anymore. I've become more apathetic that usual. I am a senior; perhaps that is one reason. But it's not an excuse. Perhaps I have brain damage. Perhaps I have a learning disability, although I doubt it. Perhaps my body and my brain know something I don't, like, maybe I'm going to die soon. Perhaps I have cancer. There are numerous possibilities. But I'm tired of not caring. About myself, about other people. This isn't me. I want ME back. Even though life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself, this isn't the person I wanted to create. I want to be compassionate, caring, trustworthy, and respectable. I can't go on in this life being a selfish bitch. I've worked too hard to end up like that. Maybe I need help. I've already sought help, and it has been effective to some degree. But I feel like I need something more than CBT. It's a useful tool, but it's only a "band-aid" over the problem. Band-aids, bad. Cure, GOOD.

Random SHIT.

Toby punched an earwig today. In the kitchen at his house, he crouched down, yelled "HYAAAA!" and punched that muthafuckin earwig in the FACE. He extended his fist, and bitch slapped that ho. It made me laugh, suuuuuper hard. And I am not entirely sure why. :/

ANYWHOSIT, I've never quite understood what I've found so amusing about farts. Whenever someone flatulates, rips one, whatever you want to call it, I can't stop laughing. I'm a hysterical hyena. Something inside me is amused. It's certainly not the smell that is so appealing to me, but possibly the unrelenting noise that happens. I feel bad for admitting to that, but it had to come out.

Event. (s)

SO...
This Saturday. At my house. at 3:00. Is a bonfire. Please bring food. And any gaming system that you want. OH! And games. Let me know if you need directions, or if you need a ride. It ends whenever people decide to leave. :)
Please come. :) :) :) :)

Oh, Jesus. You've provided me with hours upon hours of entertainment. And I'm still not certain if you exist.

This made me laugh. Mostly because of how offensive it is to the Christian population. Sometimes, being offensive is FUN.

Today.

Today, I decided to hang out with Buddie. He has a habit of making situations awkward that weren't meant to be awkward. And, he tends to be a social retard. We were about to walk in to Dairy Queen to wait for my boyfriend, Toby, and he said, "Wow, there's a lot of people in there." He seemed anxious to go in there, but I made him suck it up and go in anyway. Then, he made me stand in line with him because he was "too shy" to stand by himself. I love him as a dear friend, and I understand everyone has issues. But I'm just expressing my frustration. I'm sure I do some things every once in a while that annoy him. But it was good to see him today.
Senior project seems to be consuming the rest of my time, and my pursuit of finding a job. I'm 17, I have lots of work experience, how hard could it be? Turning in my resume' and making a follow-up call just doesn't seem to be enough for employers. I've done every thing I can, I guess.

Family, Or Lack Thereof.

Getting quite sick of this family I have. My grandmother, who lives next door, comes over to our house EVERY SINGLE MORNING and talks to my mom for an hour about random shit she saw on TV. That's all my grandma seems to do anymore; watch TV. My mom and I have talked about it, too. We both don't like it when my grandma comes over, sometimes we just want to be alone, you know? But every day, without fail, there she is. Sometimes when my mom gets off of work, and she just wants to relax and eat dinner, grandma decides to stop in for a visit. And she talks about stuff that neither of us care about.
Maybe my grandma's lonely. Grandpa doesn't seem to do much else than play Solitaire on the computer. What happened? I used to enjoy spending time with them, now they are just another burden to me. We used to go on camping trips, go shopping, go see movies, travel... now all they're concerned about is selling their house and moving into town.
And my mother. And my brother. I'm sick of seeing them every day. And I'm sick of my brother stealing money from me, the stingy bastard. Get a fucking job. I earn my money, you spent all yours on food and toys that are meant for four-year-old boys. My mom still won't let me drive. She won't forgive me, she won't move on. She doesn't think I have learned my lesson. I'm so damn tired of being oppressed by my family, they are the least valuable thing to me. That may sound horrible, but I have always been the black sheep of my family. Always been different, looked down upon. I think it's time to detach myself from all of them, and find better people that I connect with.

After High School.

Things I want to do after high school:

-Attend college.
-Travel the world, see different cultures.
-Find something greater than myself.
-Meet new people that I will fall in love with; make life long friends.
-Make money that is my own.
-Discover my soul.
-Not care what anybody thinks.
-Be an advocate for something of importance (to me, at least).
-Share the love I have.
-Find my calling.
-Be famous, but in a good way. Make a difference in the world for the better.
-Be a good influence.
-Run six days a week.
-Get healthier.
-Find a supportive group of people that love me unconditionally.

Most of these things I would do now, but I don't have much time for them. After graduation, I will have MUCH more time to do what I please.

First Blog Everrrr.

I have decided to start a blog, mainly as a way to organize my thoughts. There is a lot that goes on in this brain of mine, and in order for me to be sane, or at least able to function normally in society, putting a method to my madness might be effective. Most of what I blog about will be of the following:

1. Observances of every day life.
2. Sex, drugs, and other ways people find the perception of happiness.
   
3. Things I find amusing. Especially about people.
4. Short stories or song lyrics or poems I write.
5. Venting from my brain.
6. Controversial or radical statements that make people think.

That about covers it, really. I'm not extremely creative, so I wouldn't expect anything too profound to come from this blog. But please, if you may, read it. I'm sure you'll enjoy it. :)