Somber.

Life seems to be so melancholy lately. People seem to think that optimism and positive thinking is juvenile and naive. That making an effort to be happy and push away the negativity in this world makes you childish. This makes me wonder if being happy is even worth it anymore. The last thing I would ever want was to be considered naive. I've always taken pride in my maturity.
The truth is, I see the negative things in this world. I acknowledge them. I ponder about them. But I try my hardest not to let them overwhelm me. I push them in the back of my head. Being optimistic gives me the ability to get to tomorrow. It gives me motivation. Without positive thoughts, I would be drowning in misery and have nothing to look forward to, or even live for. But the more time I spend around nay-sayers, the more influence it has on me. It's unavoidable. It's tough to be strong and change the way you think.

Aspirations. (It's cold. And I'm not wearing any pants.)

1. I think it's time to put my ADHD and my over-abundant creativity to good use. I think I want to be famous. But not INFAMOUS. I want to be a singer/songwriter/performer. And, I don't think there's anything that can stop me. I have ambition. I have charisma. I have a genuine love of pleasing people and making them come back for more. I am constantly inspired by music, of any genre. And, I don't want to be stereotyped. It sounds corny, but I do want to inspire others. I want to be able to be myself, but at the same time not care what people think about me. And, I want to travel the world. :)

2. I don't want to fall in love. I hate boys. I hate girls. I know I sound contradictory. But let me explain. I hate people, I really do. But I still want to please them, and make them happy. It seems like a very selfish thing to say, and you would be right in assuming so. I don't like people. I just want to make them happy so it's easier to associate with them. So, therefore, I don't want to fall in love. In fact, I think it's impossible for me to do so. Fuck buddies actually don't seem like that bad of an idea. No commitment required. No broken hearts. A lot of emotions saved. STDs, maybe. But there are worse things that could happen. ANYWAYS. I feel more comfortable being alone anyways. People seem to be an inconvenience to me anyway. I may be depressed when I'm alone, but at least I have the freedom to be myself. Why do I hate people? Probably for the same reason I hate myself. They are unpredictable, retarded, not very useful, and have many moods.

3.I want to do something bad. I want to be mischievous. Not harmful to others, but something that lets people know that you don't fuck with me. Something.. badass.

All I Ever Wanted Was a Normal Life.

I lost my jump drive that has my senior project PowerPoint on it. This pretty much means that I am screwed. I honestly have no idea where it is, unless it's at my old house, which means I have NO chance whatsoever of getting it back. I'll just try to explain it to Mrs. Rowden, but if she doesn't understand, because I have lost my jump drive many times before, that means I'm going to have to start from the beginning and repeat it all again. BUT. I also have all my other final copies of stuff that needs to be put in my senior portfolio. GAH! Maybe some praying will be good.

I feel like I'm the only one capable of having an intellectual conversation at my school. I've felt like this for a while, but it recently has become more obvious as I spend more and more time around dumb people. The things that seem to matter the most to them are: 1. Boys. 2. Drama. 3. Being fat and complaining about it. 4. Drama.
Wow. What a hellacious life they must have. If those were the only thoughts in my head, I would slit my fucking wrists. Without hesitation.

All I ever wanted, was to see you smilin, all I ever wanted, was to make you mine, I know that I love you, oh baby why don't you see, that all I ever wanted, was you and meeeeeeeeee....
Damn mutha fucka. I love techno.

It's Time.

It's time for me to see the beauty in this world. Time to open up my heart and let the good in, and shut out as much bad as I possibly can. It's time to take the initiative to be the happy person I've always wanted to be. Recognize the bad, do everything possible to change it, and be as happy as possible. And, in the meantime, fuck around a little bit. Enjoy life. Don't dwell on the petty things that aren't even worth your attention.
These may seem like common knowledge, but you'd be surprised at how few people (especially at my age) have come to realize these things, and how big of an impact they can make. Just a few small changes now can make a huge difference for the better in the long term. I don't know why I've been ignorant for so long, thinking that I'd be stuck in a negative mindset for life, like it was my "destiny," I was doomed to be a nay-sayer for eternity. How fucking wrong I was! Nobody deserves to live their life gloomy! Nobody deserves to be unhappy their whole life! Why didn't I realize this until now!? God, I was so naive. I'm glad things are FINALLY looking up. Getting better. NOW. I can learn to be myself. I have found myself, but I just need to learn to accept myself now. :)

Steve Miller.

Well.
Things have gotten tough. Really tough. And I thought it would be the best decision for me to not live at my house anymore. Remove myself from the oppression and repression of my former home. Now I'm bunking down with the Tollmans, a lovely bunch of people. Hard core Christians, but nonetheless wonderful people.
When I went back yesterday to get my clothes, my mother looked miserable. I had never seen her so miserable before. I almost felt sorry for her, but then I realized that she might deserve to feel that miserable. Maybe it's justice. I don't know. But I'm still entitled to feel guilt for the situation.
Today is a new day. And things must get worse before they get better. So I am anticipating misery these next few weeks as things get sorted out. But I also anticipate far more fabulous results when everything is said and done. As Steve Miller once said, "You've got to go through hell before you get to heaven."

Lullaby Of Lost Love.

This is my farewell.
To something great, to something profound, to something wonderful, to something unforgettable.
Something I searched for, longed for, needed.
It would have been forever.
But now, reluctantly, I am eager to rid myself of it.
Now is the time to be true.
To myself, to you, to what could have been.
Time to forget, time to rid my body of these memories.
They clung to me like rain.
This love,
So deep, so strong, so lasting, so mutual,
Now can no longer be.
Yes, it was love.
Of that I am sure.
What else could make my heart sink,
Make me forget I was human,
Make me cry out in agony,
Make me scream for more.
Bliss.
Like water poured onto my hand,
It fell away.
Oh, how I miss it.
But never will I feel shameful again.
Guilty.
Lustful.
A burden, removed from my heart.
It bears no meaning to me anymore.
Goodbye, by dear,
My lover, my friend.
The best part of my life, gone.

Lucky.

I want that tattoo. SO badly.

Two words: In Love.


This man. Drives me mad. If he weren't so damn popular, I'd marry him. <3

Well... Ahem.

1. I feel like I can't be inspired anymore. I often find that when I am depressed, some of the most intriguing things come into my head. Like, I can only be creative if I want to die. How the hell does that make sense? Is this my body's way of saying that if I'm going to be successful in this world I can't ever be happy? What the fuck. I just can't win, can't I? But I also can't make progress by complaining, either. But happiness is something that every human being is entitled to, whether we want it or not. And believe me, I want it. But I also want to keep my creative abilities.

2. Big butt. No tits. Weird shaped fingers. Slut. Hairy. Fucked up in the head. Misunderstood. Melodramatic. Or so I've been told...

3. I want to amount to something greater than I am. When I see famous people, people that have it made, people that DO things with their live, I am filled to the brim with envy. I want to be better than a shitty, sheltered girl from a hick town in the middle of Washington state. I want to impact the world. And I plan on doing it. But in order to make a difference in this world, a person needs two things: Courage, and lots and lots and lots of money, neither of which I have. Acquiring the courage will be the easier of the two, I think. After I die, I want to be known for something good. I want to make people think. I want to be selfless. I want to show people how unique I am. I want to put aside all my prejudices and see the world as it is. Explore. Discover. Masturbate. (JK). Life is what you make of it. Yes, life hands you shit. You can either smear that shit all over yourself, and wallow in self-pity, or you can show that shit who's boss. Take opportunities as they come, and learn your lessons.

4. And that's all I have to say about that.

A Little Nuisance Called Pride.

PRIDE
(noun)

1.

a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.

2.

the state or feeling of being proud.

3.

a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect; self-esteem.

4.

pleasure or satisfaction taken in something done by or belonging to oneself or believed to reflect credit upon oneself: civic pride.
5.
a song by U2.
6. something that can hinder trust and responsibility in a relationship, especially with a boyfriend.
7.
feeling the need to live up to an image, and not willing to let others spend money on you because of your ego. Your big, fat, juicy ego.
8.
letting success go to your head; letting failure go to your heart.