Dear Lord What Happened.

It's been way over a month since I have posted a blog, and I feel a little guilty about that. I used to post them twice a day, and then... nothing.

Lately, I've been disappointing all those around me. My land lady, my mother, my boyfriend, myself. I've done things that I thought I would never do, or I promised to others I would never do. I've consumed mass amounts of alcohol. I've smoked a shit load of weed. I've had various men come over to my house just so I could get some company.

I was hoping my relationship with my mom would steadily improve, hopefully to the point where she would have no reason to be concerned about me, but just the opposite has happened. Now more than ever she has all the reason in the world to worry about me.

Why did I let this happen to me? I was starting over. I was improving myself, my life, and my situation. How did I get into this mess I am in? Why aren't I able to control my urges? Why do I so easily give into temptation?

Regret.

Yeah, sure. I had happy memories during high school. I had a handful. I could probably count them on two hands. Then I had some that were neither happy or sad, just memorable. Then, the majority, the unhappy ones. Those that were full of regret and remorse. Those which I desperately wish I could take back. Forget about. Throw away. Get scissors and chop that shit out of my life. I mean, why the hell did I even act the way I did? Why was I a selfish prick? Why did I choose to hurt all the people I did? I gave the immediate impression that I cared about them, when in my heart, my true intentions were to strip them of their dignity, and create enemies. Why did I choose to live that way? It's hard to recreate a first impression. It's impossible, as a matter of fact. It's far too late for atonement now. It's far too late to apologize and mend the pain. So what can I do about this uneasiness on my heart? What can I do to get the burden of regret out of my soul?

It's Been A While.

1. Recently, I got kicked out of the big yellow house I was staying at. This came about somewhat expectedly. I anticipated it, as much as I hate to admit. My bad choices led to this consequence that has essentially left me homeless. I got caught smoking pot, and I got caught up in a series of gargantuant, elaborate lies that hurt a lot of people that I loved dearly. I lost Toby, I lost Mary, I lost the love I once had with my mother. I lost a lot of friends. But this is what I get for creating my own reality. This is what I get for thinking that I am invincible and immune to consequences. I took advantage of the hospitality I was receiving from these wonderful people, and I puked it in their faces.

2. On the 13th of June, I will be making my big move to Everett, WA. I found a room that I can rent, only $450 per month (plus 1/4 of the household bills). It's roomy, it has a nice bathroom, and it is located in Everett's downtown area. Not to mention it is only 20 minutes away from my dearest Riley

3. And that's all I have to say about that.

Drifting, Falling. Floating Weightless.

Why?
I put you through so much shit. I hated you. I pushed you away. I made you miserable. I was miserable. I treated you horribly. I was a crazy, psychotic bitch. I disregarded and invalidated your emotions. I said I didn't love you. But still, you were loyal to me. You were faithful. You didn't give up.
Why?